My Name is Al » ramble

You wake up in a room with no coffee…

Al — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 06:00:17 +0000

This morning I was pulled out of my usual dream consisting of Godzilla and I(a 120 foot tall, space titanium Mexican Luchadore) fighting an unending battle royale against the tag team of almighty Cthulhu and Voltron, by the sounds of a heater being turned on.

After figuring out where I was and why I was suddenly so much smaller and fleshy, I reached for my phone to check the time. 5:00am. I cursed the universe for unleashing such sickening cruelty by mumbling incoherently into my pillow. With my dark work complete, I pulled the covers over my head and attempted a face down sleep via suffocation.

Godzilla tail-swiped Voltron, who fell down in the centre of the ring. He breathed atomic fire at Cthulhu, before jumping out of the ring in a perfect moonsault to further punish the bringer of insanity. I climbed to the top rope, pointing at the downed lion-not. The crowd’s roar continued. I heard thunderous footsteps. The crowd was silenced. I stood, confused, on the turnbuckle. I woke again, more frustrated that the win had been taken from me.
Dad had trundled through the house to turn the heater off.

5:50am. Tremendous. Rather than destroy the old man for attempting to undo someone’s earlier heresies, I turned on the TV and stared blankly at who knows what.

Prime Minister, something about voting. Someone named Julia. Something, something, take over almost complete. Something, something, Death Star.
I turned to Twitter to find out what was happening. It was true. Someone named Julia was indeed ’something something’. I made a few surly, pre-coffee tweets that may not have made much sense.

I made a coffee and played with a spoon. Twitter told me a new PM had been named. It wasn’t long till they would burn the Pope to signal the decision had been made and the new PM would consume the last to complete the ceremony.

A shriek came from the front of the house. Resisting the perfect opportunity for an amazingly relevant Tick impression, I dropped the spoon and moved quickly to the front room.

Mother sat smiling and looking quite embarassed. Possibly an over-reaction to the crowning of our new Overlord? A sentimental cry over the Fallen One’s farewell speech?

‘Sorry, Australia just scored in the soccer’
‘Wasn’t that game on last night?’
‘Yeah… I didn’t watch it, this is the replay’

I turned to get back to my coffee and the remainder of the 8am children’s “educational” programming.

Mum went back to the newspaper, I could see the sports pages from 2 rooms away.

There was a good chance she had already known the result.

Even with all the political drama and activity, the show had been stolen by a heater and a delayed telecast.

This is how my family rolls.

To Do

Al — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 04:17:47 +0000

I just noticed how odd these lists might look to an outsider:

mail postcard
meat for goulash
car insurance
attack of the gargantuas
get biolante
COFFEE
maco book
gow3
new ufc?
ellington tues
senor coffee service
alestorm thur
clf shoes
wed visit
SOCKS FFS
movie
fight saturday
alexander library 10am
lunch/bon scott
PAV FOR PIXIE

Legion – wait for it – dary

Al — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 00:39:17 +0000

A joke so nice I used it twice. On Saturday last week I saw Legion. I had forgotten exactly what the movie was about, so I asked around. The general consensus was ‘angels with machine guns’. At the time, I may have sneered. A friend who had paid a little more attention to the movie sent me a link to the trailer:

I may not be interested in cherubs with M-16s, but I am damn interested in possessed Golden Girls chowing down on yuppie jugular, so off I went.

Unfortunately, what started out to be quite an entertaining movie, fell apart quickly in the second half. The appearance of the first ‘evil angel’, Gramma Biteypants(from trailer), was probably my favourite scene in the movie. It was entertaining and just a little creepy(maybe moreso if you hadn’t seen the trailer). The second angel, Stretch, was introduced slowly and under similarly creepy circumstances. This was going well, the audience was interested and waiting for more. Then angels 3 through 5000 turned up, apparently carpooling and having followed Stretch. The movie had shifted from an atmospheric, Raimi-esque horror to something that resembled a supernatural Zulu. This wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. There were a lot more angels than I expected though. A shambling, shuffling horde of angels. Angels that, even with their righteous fury, bite people and seem to have the survivability of lumbering corpses. Do you see where I’m going with this? Good. I would have loved to see a super Zombie lead the humans in their defence, and it would have made about the same amount of sense. I guess they couldn’t have used the upside down crucifix scene then, as it is common knowledge that God’s messengers prefer to use supposed symbols of religious defiance as they carry out their masters work. Yes, that definitely added to the story, those sick, bastardly angels.

Legion then realised that it’s 1 hour and 45 minute parking ticket was almost up, and started hurtling towards completion. Exposition Angel attempts to justify somewhat ‘odd’ plot choices and reveals conditions previously unbeknownst to us, but beknownst to him. Badass Angel uses his sacred bulletproof wings and mace, forged by the collective minds of MacGyver and Inspector Gadget, in a righteous game of fisticuffs. Things die. No one is surprised.

From it’s humble beginnings in the most inappropriately stocked toy factory on Earth to the predictable ending, Legion was a pretty confusing ride which left us wondering what kind of movie we had actually watched. Was it intentionally funny? Was it attempting to be a stupid action movie? Why were you so good in the beginning scenes? It’s a DVD movie at best, and probably a drunken DVD movie

High on LIFE

Al — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 06:33:10 +0000

J: Hey bro, what’d you think of God of War?
Al: FUCKIN’ brutal man. It’s so chumpy, you can carve it!
J: Hahaha, what?
Al: It’s meaty. Like, a fucking meaty game
J: Ah.. that.. kinda makes sense
Al: Pffft, your mother kinda makes sense
J: What?
Al: You heard me
J: What the fuck? Are you high?
Al: You know I hate that shit. I’m HIGH ON LIFE, my friend!
J: ….
Al: … also I’ve had kinda of a lot of bourbon..
J: Can I have some?
Al: Sure.

Iron Man 2 – Doing all the things an Iron can

Al — Wed, 05 May 2010 03:40:52 +0000

Yeah, it was pretty entertaining hey…

Clash of the Jerks – Release the Crappen

Al — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 13:02:06 +0000

Clash of the Titans was a favourite movie of mine when the look of disgust and contempt in my eye was a mere speck of excitement and childish glee. I was not expecting it to be good. I did not want to see it in 3D. I do not really want to see another movie in 3D. I prayed to my gods for strength. The volcano was slaughtered, the zebu was thrown into the virgin. In return, I was granted 1 perfect movie companion and the Leviathan sized popcorn, as it was a mere $2 to upsize from the Titanic-crushing size. With the feast of gods in hand, I prepared to have my inner child’s septum crushed.

Hades
In the 1981 movie, Hades was known as Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. What kind of epic could possibly inspire generations without having a huge, dark adversary? You’d need to use another non-cliched antagonist. Maybe even a female? Pfft, that wouldn’t work.

Calibos
I would love to bleed scorpions. I would bite my tongue and spit arachnid doom on my inferiors just to spite their fathers. Calibos was not critical to the (new) story and didn’t really seem to fit in at all.

Weapons
A gift from the Gods themselves! A lightsaber handle! Let’s not use it though, I need to be angry. Sparta-angry, not they burnt my coffee angry. This shiny shield will help me defeat Medusa though. What do you mean it’s not shiny? It was shiny for that scene wasn’t it? Pfffft, you weren’t meant to think about what it was like BEFORE! GEEEEZ, movie patron, suspend some more disbelief please, that dude just bled a scorpion at me.

Jinn/Djinn
The presence of Jinn ensured a few of the Giant Scorpions could be rideable, instead of killed as in the original.

Rideable Giant Scorpions
Without these, the character of Jinn wouldn’t make any sense.

Pegasus
“Here is Pegasus, the last of its kind… wait… no, not these 5 winged horses, that black one. Yep… there you go, he likes you instantly. Convenient.”

Hades’ Kraken
Zeus: O SUP HADES, PLZ WELEASE TEH KWAKKEN!
Hades: KK ZOOS, I GETS HEM
Poseidon: The Kraken is my creature… I am the God of the Sea
Zeus: STFU POSYDON, CANT U SEE IMMA DO TEH PLAWTS?
Poseidon: I understand, but, you’re implying it’s a creature of Hades, who resides in the Underworld
Zeus: WATS U POINT AY?
Poseidon: Don’t you think people may notice that a sea-faring titan should be controlled by the God of the Sea as opposed to God of the Underworld?
Zeus: YA I NOE WITE, BUT U DONT WEELY HAF ANY LINES, WE GIF KWAKKEN TO HADES
Poseidon: He doesn’t even have anything to do with this!
Hades: IM JUS HAPPEE TO BE HARE GUYSE
Zeus: HADES, WELEASE YOU KWAKKEN!!!

Awful. Just awful.

Flash of Rage

Al — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 02:25:11 +0000

Horatio Uriel Ramblethorn – Hey bro, just got inked…
Al – Nice, so did my notepad. See? I wrote “you’re a tool”.
HUR – Nah, I mean, I have ink on me now…
Al – Yeah, so does the paper. Also my pen leaked, so my hand has been inked too. Pretty sick, eh broo?
HUR – Nah, like, I have NEW INK!
Al – OHHHH, you mean like my printer?
HUR – FUCK AL, I HAVE A TATTOO NOW!
Al – Yeah…. and it’s shit.

Help me, Calibos, you’re my only hope.

Al — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 05:19:24 +0000

When at the movies the other day, I saw a poster for a Clash of the Titans remake. I will most likely see it, if I can get someone willing to console me, should it devastate my inner child. If my beloved Kraken is reduced to a computer-generated, unobtainium eating, 3D showboat, I will undoubtedly wind up a quivering mess, surrounded by popcorn-infused salt and crying into a $17 Coke Zero.

So, who wants in?

Tis the season…

Al — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 13:38:14 +0000

I really don’t like to write about my feelings and emotions, but I guess the lack of sleep and time of year has pumped some foreign substance into my mecha-heart and I’m overwhelmed by feel the urge to express my feelings.
Faithful readers, I guess its not too uncommon, but I’m about to get a little weird.

Without you

Without you, I am nothing, when we’re together, I am everything.
I need you more that you know, more than you could ever imagine.
The intoxicating fumes of your body penetrate my very being.
The scent, drifting so delicately, arousing my senses with the faintest touch.

With no other will I ever experience the same euphoric pacifism as I do when I am with you.
Your warmth, your softness, your touch, lulls me into a serenity from which I will not wake.
When we are together, I lose myself in a trance of blissful delerium.
I feel whole, I feel we are one, I feel happy.

Coffee, I love you.

Monologue of a Henchman

Al — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 07:42:45 +0000

I am typing generic blather into a terminal.
This is the basic requirement of the
henchman in movies who has any kind of
technical ability.

The camera hasnt panned to the screen so I can
still write whatever I want.
I didn’t even need to turn on the screen, they add the screen glow
and edit it in post.
I always wondered if anyone actually typed
anything to entertain the people looking at
the screen.

As the panic and suspense grows, I’m required to
hit heavier sounding keys
at a more rapid pace
than usual.
Such as
sp ace ba r
a n d
t h e
enter
key.

Soon enough its time for the last command before the camera
can show the monitor. Time for a last big tapping then a pause before I hit

enter

Here comes the scrolling text:

scrolling text
scrolling text
scrolling text
scrolling text
scrolling text
scrolling text
scrolling text
scrolling text
scrolling text
scrolling text
scrolling text
scrolling text
scrolling text
scrolling text
scrolling text

Maybe after the scroll, wait for user input? (Y/N)

Then…..
…
..
.
Release the hounds.